I Can't Stop Dressing Like Adam Sandler

help - movies, etc. #3

Hello again, folks! It’s Thursday, which means I’m back with another post. This week, I’m addressing an issue very near and dear to my heart, and in doing so expanding my range of subject matter to the domain of fashion. In light of recent Twitter discourse on acceptable inseams for men’s shorts, I have a confession to make:

I can’t stop dressing like Adam Sandler.

The Sandman.

There. I said it. I dress like Adam Sandler.

Let me make one thing clear, I don’t want to dress like Adam Sandler. I don’t like the way he dresses. It doesn’t feel like me. I would love to dress differently, and I usually do. But the thing is, dressing like Adam Sandler is like catnip to me. It’s like gravity. It’s inescapable. 

You might ask, why do I dress like Adam Sandler? This is a question that I myself have spent many a cold, New Hampshire night pondering, and in my pondering I have hypothesized a few possible contributing factors.

1) Location. In my brief hiatus between college education and gainful employment, I live with my parents in the lovely state of New Hampshire, not five minutes away from Manchester, the hometown of Adam Sandler. There is clearly some mystical force that makes residents of Southern New Hampshire dress this way. Maybe ley lines? 

Here’s a tweet that I often think about:

T.R.O.Y. @TroyButler_

the best thing about adam sandler is no matter how much money he makes he’ll never not look like he’s from manchester new hampshire

This tweet also gets to the source of the issue:

Boots, 'with the fur' @afraidofwasps

If some kid pulled up with 5 inch inseam shorts at my middle school i think we actually would have killed him.

2) Occupation. How do I spend my time while living here? Eating, sleeping, reading, writing, watching movies, applying to jobs—none of these things require me to actually get dressed in actual fashionable clothes. Sure, I could dress up to go sit in the Dunkin drive-thru for twenty minutes, but to what end?

Speaking of Dunkin: credit where credit is due, in the colder months my Sandler fits are replaced by Affleck fits:

I own this coat.

Now that I understand the problem, how do I solve it? I suppose the clear answer is to simply get rid of all my basketball shorts. Burn them, toss them, donate them, and replace them with more suitable, shorter shorts. Free my thighs from their prison of mesh and polyester. But something deep inside my soul stops me short of doing this. Many of these shorts have been with me for years and years. They’ve seen countless summer jobs, drives and flights to school, hikes, and trips to the movies—bearing witness in the form of paint stains and loose threads. Even when I leave New Hampshire, how can I depart from these 20” inseams?

If it’s my fate to continue dressing like Adam Sandler, at least I don’t have to face it alone —I have Trisha Paytas on my side:

In conclusion, if you think you saw me wearing shorts down to my shins, no you didn’t.

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That’s all I got for ya this week! Please subscribe and share if you enjoy movies, etc. in any capacity. Next Thursday I’ll be back with something less tangentially related to movies.

Also, shoutout to the wickedly talented Jehan Narielvala for my beautiful new logo and cover image! Bye!